


the time when you were mine

by renaissance



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Chatting & Messaging, Community: rs_games, Getting Together, Light Angst, London, M/M, Mental Health Issues, R/S Games 2017, Romance, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-01-06 08:14:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12207306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renaissance/pseuds/renaissance
Summary: R/S Games 2017 - Day 2 - Team SiriusThe walk from Grimmauld Place to Parliament Hill is just under an hour, but it’s easier going at four in the morning.





	the time when you were mine

**Author's Note:**

> **Team:** Sirius  
>  **Title:** the time when you were mine  
>  **Rating:** T  
>  **Warnings:** Mental health themes, ambiguous suicide attempt mention, frequent mild language, some sexual references, alcohol and drug references  
>  **Genres:** Angst, Romance, modern non-magic AU  
>  **Word Count:** 9400  
>  **Summary:** The walk from Grimmauld Place to Parliament Hill is just under an hour, but it’s easier going at four in the morning.  
>  **Notes:** Title is from the song “4 A.M.” by Cherry Ghost. It won’t make sense why this is relevant just yet, but I also need to mention that Madness have a song called “On The Beat Pete.” Many thanks to my beta readers and sometime-cheerleaders: the usual suspect A., and a teammate who I’ll leave anonymous for now, who gave me invaluable help with local knowledge and britpicking.  
>  **Prompt:** #14 - “It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.” - Marlene Dietrich
> 
> ~
> 
>  **UPDATE:** Hello!! The Games are over (sadness), works have been handed across, so I've bumped up the publication date on this fic to give it a bit of airtime under my username. I don't want to edit the front matter, for archiving reasons, but thank you to teammate luminousgloom and beta aroceu, my most valuable supporters throughout the games :)

“It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.”  
\- Marlene Dietrich, actor.

 

“There’s a four-thirty in the morning now?”  
\- Bart Simpson, troublemaker.

**4:00**

 

Sirius lets his finger hover over the call button. He’s been like that for almost a full minute now, watching the top of his phone screen flash with notifications from the group chat, which really shouldn’t be this active at four in the morning, but James is getting back from whichever house party he found his way into after the weird indie underground gig Lily dragged him to, and Peter’s been working the graveyard shift, and Remus—Remus doesn’t keep regular hours, even at the best of times.

_So what’s my excuse?_

It’s still dark out; Sirius leaves his window open overnight in summer, lets the sounds of the occasional train clattering past and the wasted twenty-somethings outside the square, walking down Caledonian Road to the station. He does it to piss off his parents, although it pisses off the housekeepers too, which he wishes he could brush off without the accompanying ethical crisis, but at the end of the day his rebelliousness outweighs his consideration. He is painfully aware of this. He wishes he could be one of the careless, wasted twenty-somethings.

James is drunk. His messages are getting less coherent by the second. He’d stopped by earlier that night—last night—to raid the Black liquor cabinet, an impenetrable fortress of dark-veneered oak in one of the less-damp corners of the cellar, full of cognac older than both of them combined and things in twisted glass bottles that have probably been illegal for centuries. James had decanted what was left of a frosted green glass carafe shaped like a fish into his hip flask. It’s not like Sirius’ parents are ever around to check.

The street is mostly silent now, though, just the sound of a car going past, wheels skidding as it turns the corner. It’s still too early for birds. Sirius’ phone screen times out after twenty seconds, drops in brightness and then goes black and idle, and he doesn’t catch it in time to swipe a finger somewhere across the screen. The notification light at the bottom of his phone keeps flashing.

Then, the screen flashes to life with a phone call, full colour assaulting Sirius’ vision. It takes a few moments of blinking before he adjusts and—there it is, the conversation he’s been putting off, waiting for him with no ringtone and no vibrations to announce its arrival, just bright lights and “Incoming call: Remus.”

He’s hasty to accept the call. If he doesn’t, he never will.

“Remus—”

 

**4:01**

 

“Morning,” Remus says. Sirius catches the tail end of the syllable as he puts the call on to speaker. “You awake? Group chat’s been showing you as active, but you hadn’t said anything, so I wondered.”

Sirius brings the phone closer anyway. “Yeah, wide awake for a while now. Sorry I’ve not said anything.”

“That’s fine. So you’re—you don’t have any plans for today?”

“No,” Sirius says. Technically he has to attend some sort of family lunch, but… “What’s up?”

“Want to come watch the sunrise with me?” Remus asks. “I’m on Hampstead Heath. We can watch it from the top of Parliament Hill.”

Sirius is on his feet in an instant, before he even registers what he’s doing. He does not ask what Remus is doing on Hampstead Heath.

“Yeah, of course,” Sirius says. “When’s sunrise?”

“Minute past five,” Remus says, not missing a beat. He must’ve been thinking about this for a while.

The clock at the top right corner of Sirius’ phone screen says that’s an hour from now. It’d be almost impossible to get to Hampstead Heath in an hour with his bike still in the shop. And the trains don’t run at this hour. He could walk. If he walked fast, he could make it.

“See you in an hour, then,” Sirius says.

He almost forgets to hang up, throwing on a shirt and a pair of trainers—he’s still in last night’s jeans, but that’s about it, and he’s not about to freeze his nuts off, let alone be arrested for public indecency, just because he can never hesitate on things when Remus is involved. He _does_ forget to close his bedroom door, old rickety wood that would rattle throughout the whole house, so it’s probably for the best, but if it means Reg’s going to come snooping through his room, he’ll wish in a minute that he’d—

 

**4:02**

 

—closed the damn thing, but it doesn’t really matter given he only realises when he’s one foot on the front steps and the other on the pavement, and by then it’s already too late. There’s a bit of a breeze and it’s dark, dark enough that Sirius has to take time to adjust. Still, he knows the route out of Grimmauld Place like the back of his hand, from endless nights of sneaking out and getting into James’ dad’s car at the end of the street, swinging north to pick up Remus and meeting Pete at whatever station is closest to where his latest job is, back when they were still at school and when he still had to sneak out.

Now, his parents don’t bother to monitor his comings and goings, especially during summer when he’s home from uni and they’ve got used to him being away. Some days he’s so bored he thinks he ought to invite someone over, but inflicting the second degree on them really isn’t worth it, not even for the look of horror on his mother’s face when she sees how long Remus’ hair has got.

Remus—Sirius doesn’t want to ask, but he’s been bad since summer started. The happiest Sirius had seen him was two weeks ago; it was raining and they were at James and Lily’s place, went outside into the back garden and got soaked, and didn’t kiss, but only because Remus didn’t take the bait when Sirius leant in and shut his eyes and let the rain pool in the dip of his Cupid’s bow, and when he’d opened his eyes Remus was back under shelter, grabbing another beer and laughing with Peter about something, and Sirius stood there like a tool with his lips puckered. James had come up behind him and grabbed his shoulder and said, “Mate,” and nothing else—the rest was implicit.

Sirius had taken so long to make a move that he deserved it, really.

 

**4:03**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**jamez:** Lads I’m banners

 **jamez:** This is Lily, he means hammered

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** by all means, continue to remind me of how wonderful and highflying your life is while i sit behind a computer in a carpark

 **loopin:** I thought carpark attendants were rendered obsolete by technology

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** nah theres still labour going for chumps like me

 **loopin:** The system works

 **viscount sirius ‘wanker’ black the third:** Hey whats up

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** for the love of god could you Please change your disaply name i,m on my work computer what if its being logged

 **WANKER:** Better?

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** oh for

 **jamez:** There he is!!!! The man at last

 **jamez:** Wot kept you mate

 **loopin:** Hi, Sirius

 **WANKER:** Long story

 

**4:04**

 

The long story being that Sirius had realised something, last night. That it had been ten years. Ten years to the day since he showed up to secondary school orientation and met the three of them, and ten years, if he’s being honest with himself, since he fell in love with Remus Lupin. He fell in love with all of them, in a way; he’d never really done the “friendship” thing before, and suddenly here were three boys who accepted him wholly for the repressed posh boy he’d been, aching for rebellion, and turned him into the messed up young man he is now—but messed up in all the right ways, tinged at the edges with experiences he could never have gone through with anyone else.

But Remus was a different story, because he had burdens of his own, stories that even Sirius has never heard, even after ten years. Where James became his right hand man and Peter his left, both of them urging him on and enabling his bad behaviour, Remus was his ears when he needed to step back, his eyes when he couldn’t make sense of something, his heart, when he needed compassion. And his heart, in return, had turned traitor, given itself to Remus in entirety. There had been others—of course—little acts of revolt, but in the end Remus always pulled Sirius back on course.

Sirius turns a corner, checks his map quickly, puts his phone away. The group chat is still buzzing, but thinking about Remus now isn’t going to do him any good. Ten years on—maybe he’ll finally make that move.

 

**4:05**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**jamez:** Sirius

 **jamez:** Sirius mate whered u go

 **jamez:** U promised us a long story

 **jamez:** This is Lily even I was looking forward to it

 **loopin:** He’s walking

 **jamez:** I wanted to know

 **jamez:** The story

 **jamez:** The Story

 **jamez:** The STORY SIRIUS

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** who cares lol

 **jamez:** Wait remus how did u know he’s walking

 

[ Remus Lupin ]

**Sirius:** Yeah howd you know im walking

 **Remus:** Your bike’s in the shop. I guessed

 **Remus:** :)

 

**4:06**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**loopin:** I’m psychic

 **jamez:** Oh well that’s just fine i guess

 

Sirius makes it out of the square and latches the gate behind him. With Grimmauld Place behind him too, it feels like the morning has already begun. He turns down North Road, past the closed shops, picking up the pace so his feet no longer drag along the pavement and his momentum carries him forward, closer and closer to the sunrise with each step. Sirius checks his map. James and Lily had been at the Garage—maybe he can meet them if they’re walking the same way.

Going from zero human contact to Remus Lupin is a risk at the best of times; sleep-deprived and early-morning disoriented, it’s downright dangerous.

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**WANKER:** Im here dont get your knickers in a twist

 **jamez:** Thank fuck i thought you had been mugged already

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** mugged in london at 4am? surely nt

 

[ James Potter ]

**Sirius:** Mate where are you

 **James:** Dude

 **Sirius:** I mean on this physical plane

 **James:** Holloway

 **James:** I think

 **Sirius:** Very broad. Lots of options. I like it

 **James:** Hey

 **James:** Hi Sirius this is Lily

 **James:** We’re walking home

 **Sirius:** Hmm

 

**4:07**

 

 **James:** Why did u want to meet

 **James:** This is James again

 **James:** We can meet u we can totally ducking meet u

 **James:** Well turn around it wont take long

 **Sirius:** Sick lets do it

 **Sirius:** Can you get to kentish town station

 **James:** This is Lily I want to go on the record as being opposed to this

 **James:** We’re within walking distance of home

 **James:** And as it stands, James is too drunk to jvbbn shfdkhgs vdkn

 **James:** Hi Sirius this is James lets ducking GO

 **James:** F ucking

 

**4:08**

 

At least James has his back. Lily—she was their fifth Beatle, never their Yoko, but neither had there been a case strong enough to let her in on the group chat. Not for want of trying on James’ part. He’s persuasive, it’s just that the combined force of Sirius and Peter’s stubbornness (and Remus’ incidentally judgemental indifference) had always been enough to ward him off. It had started as the usual teenage stuff, girls are gross and this is _our_ space, James, but what it always came back to in the end was that Lily hadn’t been there since the beginning, and the dynamic had formed itself without her.

How, then, would that dynamic change if Sirius manages to pull this off? If he gets over himself and tells Remus how he feels, asks Remus how _he_ feels? If, by some miracle, Sirius’ feelings are requited? If Remus wants a relationship too? Would they still be the same Marauders as they always were?

 

**4:09**

 

They’d come up with the name “Marauders” only a week after they’d met. The four of them bonded over a shared interest in going places no-one was meant to go—trespass, breaking boarding school rules, general civil disobedience—and they’d formed their band of merry men around that ethos.

It had lasted well for a while, but then Remus had gone and got himself a Prefect’s badge, and James had become serious about his schoolwork (Remus had always been) and Sirius was left floundering. He wasn’t necessarily against doing something academic with his life in the same way Peter was, but he was very wary of how it all related to his parents and his intrinsic desire to do the exact opposite of whatever they wanted. While he worked harder enough to get into art school but not so hard that he’d start doing well in maths, the gang drifted away from its intended purpose, and, although not by much, drifted apart from each other, too.

 

**4:10**

 

Now Sirius is off North and onto York Way—there’s something about seeing these main streets at night, quiet but for the odd person stumbling about, cars blinking past like apparitions, and when Sirius turns they’re gone and he can’t even remember what colour they’d been when they were right in his vision. There’d been a night like this, the first night of summer the year after he’d been off to uni—and although Sirius and James had been together, their wildly different degrees meant wildly different timetables, as well as James finally pulling his head out of his arse and getting with Lily. Remus had still been at Cambridge then, which felt so far away, even if they were still in the group chat whenever they could be. Peter—he’d stayed in London.

When they all came back it was, _You’ve no idea how much better this city is now I don’t have parents forcing a curfew on me_ , and they’d gone out drinking that very night in Soho, and stumbled back to the tube pissed beyond belief. It was Remus who’d had the most to drink, didn’t care how it mixed with his meds.

“This is the best I’ve felt all year,” he said, and stepped into the road just as a car came past.

It was fine. It had been fine. Sirius had pulled him out of the way right before the car could hit him, and it had gone skidding past like nothing had happened, leaving only a tailwind to indicate it had been there, or that could just have been the weather turning. It had rained the next day, Sirius remembered.

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**WANKER:** Who dares me to do something reckless

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** what sort of rckless

 **loopin:** Please arrive in one piece

 **jamez:** Arrive where

 **WANKER:** Im a man on a mission james

 **WANKER:** A mission of none of your concern

 **jamez:** I’m team captain everything is my concern

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** yeah rugby team captain oooh james pass us the ball will u

 **jamez:** Have you ever played rugby in your life Peter

 

[ James Potter ]

**James:** Also how are we going to meet up if you get yourself killed first

 

**4:11**

 

And Sirius had said to him, “Remus—are you alright?”

“Yeah.” Remus had been smiling. “I told you, I’ve never been better.”

 

**4:12**

 

[ Remus Lupin ]

**Remus:** Can you talk?

 **Sirius:** Text or call

 **Remus:** Hmm

 **Remus:** Text, I think. I’m not sure if I can say this aloud

 **Sirius:** Okay

 **Sirius:** Haha is it that serious

 **Sirius:** I mean are you okay do you need me to walk faster

 **Remus:** No, it’s good serious. Sorry if I made you worry

 **Remus:** I’m

 **Remus:** Sorry, I panicked and hit enter

 **Remus:** I’m thinking of going back to uni

 **Remus:** What kind of reckless thing were you planning on doing?

 **Sirius:** It’s a surprise

 **Sirius:** Back to uni? Are you sure?

 **Remus:** Unlike you, I think about decisions before I make them

 

**4:13**

 

[ HELP ME ]

**Sirius:** EMERGENCY NEW GROUP CHAT

 **Sirius:** Remus asked me what kind of reckless thing I’m doing and I told him it was a surprise which means I need to do something genuinely reckless to make up for this oversight

 **Peter:** …

 **James:** Ask him to marry u

 **Sirius:** NEXT SUGGESTION

 **Lily:** At least ask him out on a date

 **James:** Tell him u fancy him first

 **Lily:** Yes do that first

 **Sirius:** Maybe were still moving a little fast here

 **Peter:** idk then just tell him you care about him or something

 

**4:14**

 

[ Remus Lupin ]

**Remus:** Sirius? Still there?

 

It’s not that Sirius is having a crisis, exactly, because he’s already been through the seven stages of whatever when it comes to his feelings for Remus, dwelling on it and trying to reason with himself and sinking into acceptance, and he’s always known it would come down to a night—morning—like this, the clarity of displacement as his final push to action. But now that it’s happening, it’s like he’s been cast adrift.

There’s too much going on at once. James wants to know when they’re meeting and in the other chat he’s still arguing with Peter about how Sirius should tell Remus, and Remus has just dropped something huge on him—before telling the others, some insistent part of Sirius’ brain reminds him—and Sirius hasn’t replied. Because it happens the same way every time: he thinks he knows how to act around other people, knows the right thing to do that’ll show them he’s a decent person, or at least the right person for them. A listener, maybe even a helper. Then he gets in over his head. Freezes up. Backs out.

 

[ Remus Lupin ]

**Remus:** I swear Sirius if you’re doing The Thing You Do

 **Remus:** I’m going to need you to snap out of it

 

**4:15**

 

 **Sirius:** Sometimes I wonder if youre wrong to rely on me

 **Remus:** Oh my god Sirius now of all times

 **Remus:** You are doing the thing

 **Sirius:** I know

 **Sirius:** Uni again huh

 **Sirius:** Whatre you going to do? Psych again?

 **Remus:** Ha ha

 **Remus:** Now you’re deflecting. We’re talking about the thing

 **Sirius:** If not psych then what

 **Remus:** History

 **Remus:** Probably

 **Remus:** I don’t know. I haven’t thought too hard about it

 **Sirius:** Yeah thats fair

 **Remus:** I wouldn’t go back to Cambridge, but

 **Remus:** I would move away, again

 

**4:16**

 

The post-school mire of the real world changed after Remus dropped out of university. He lived with his parents for some time, then term ended and summer had come and gone, and James suggested that Remus move in with him, Sirius, and Lily. (Peter had been furious. He hadn’t spoken to them for two months.) This was a nice idea until Sirius remembered that they had a two-bedroom flat and, since James and Lily had a room to themselves, Remus would be sharing with Sirius. There was barely room for one bed in there, let alone two, and Sirius could only wank in the shower so many times a week before it got boring. It did get boring, but he liked sharing with Remus too much and he liked Remus too much to stop.

Sirius turns onto Leighton Road, a long stretch of road ahead of him. He sends Remus an embarrassing message about how they’ll be separated and they wouldn’t be sharing a room anymore, and then he shuts his phone down, straight up turns it off to avoid having to face this. Yeah, he’s doing The Thing.

 

**4:17**

 

[ HELP ME ]

**James:** No no ur being too subtle abt it

 **Peter:** how is this subtl sirius cant even tell US he likes remus

 **Peter:** we just had to work it out for ourselves

 **Peter:** through like

 **Peter:** a series of agtha christie-style clues and a big intervention in the parlour

 **Lily:** That was a good afternoon

 **James:** Yeah so what im saying is its time to stop ducking around!!!

 **Lily:** Poor Remus though, it wasn’t very nice that we made him do the shopping all on his own

 **Peter:** arent u guys together whya re you both messaging

 **Lily:** Communication issues

 **James:** Like SIRIUS has

 **James:** He just needs to TELLLLLLLLLLLLL

 **James:** Hello, Lily here, I’ve confiscated James’ phone for his own good

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**loopin:** Awfully quiet in here all of a sudden

 

**4:18**

 

Of course, then summer had rolled around again, and Sirius was back at Grimmauld Place and Remus was back on Peter’s sofa and Sirius had never regretted anything more than not putting more effort into wearing down his parents’ defences to the point that they would let him have a friend over, even for a night or two. Just to give Remus a break. A proper bed to sleep in.

Remus had never acted like he cared. Sirius could tell otherwise. Not even a week ago he’d been over while Peter was on the graveyard shift and they’d drank and got a little high and it was like they were back in the flat in Brighton, Remus home from whatever job he’d managed to pick up—“I know I’m not technically overqualified,” he’d say, “but it certainly feels like it,”—and Sirius neglecting his reading, as usual. That night last week, in Peter’s flat, Remus had said, “I’m definitely overqualified for working in a record shop,” and maybe Sirius should have taken that as a hint that Remus was thinking of going back to uni, but all he could think at the time was that Remus shouldn’t have to live like this. He just shouldn’t have to.

 

**4:19**

 

They’d kissed, once.

It was in Brighton. Sirius had only known it’d happened because James told him so the next morning, and Sirius was hungover enough that he hadn’t reacted at the time. It was only later in the day, when he was back at full tilt, that he realised the implications, and by then Remus was recovered from his own hangover, and when pressed, told Sirius as much as that it had happened, nothing else.

Not that it meant anything, and not that—as Sirius had assumed—it ever would.

 

**4:20**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**loopin:** 4:20 blaze it

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** 4:20 blaGOD DAMN IT

 **jamez:** Haha

 

**4:21**

 

 **WANKER:** Damn it i missed 420

 **loopin:** What’s that old adage? Something about snoozing and losing

 **jamez:** Sirius where are you

 **jamez:** This is still Lily by the way

 **jamez:** James gets his phone back

 **WANKER:** Still on leighton rd, ill be there in a few mins

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** wait am i the only one whos not meeting sirius this fine saturday morning

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** such a sociailte

 **jamez:** Get with the programme Peter

 **WANKER:** The potter-evanses are in the same part of town as me dont take it personally pete

 **loopin:** Can I take it personally that I’m not the only one you’re meeting this morning?

 **WANKER:** Youre endgame

 

**4:22**

 

[ HELP ME ]

**James:** “You’re endgame” hahahahaha

 **Peter:** im pssing myself frankly

 **James:** This is the best thing to have ever happened to any of us

 **Lily:** I agree

 **Peter:** did yuo just agree with yourself

 **James:** Maybe

 **Lily:** Anyway

 **James:** VICTORY I HAVE MY PHONE BACK

 **Lily:** “Youre endgame” – Sirius Black to Remus Lupin, 15th of July in the year of our lord two thousand and seventeen

 **Peter:** precisely one minute after weed oclock in the morning

 **Lily:** I’m getting James to take a screenshot, I want to immortalise this

 **Sirius:** STOP BULLYING ME

 

**4:23**

 

[ Remus Lupin ]

**Remus:** So are you done ignoring me

 **Remus:** Or do you do this every time you say something sappy

 

This time, Sirius doesn’t bother texting back. He hits the call button next to Remus’ name and it only gets through half a ring; Remus picks up right away.

“Sorry, not letting you off that easily,” Sirius says.

“You were the one being avoidant.”

“And you were the one who said it’d be easier to say over text.”

Remus laughs softly. “Touché. Well, I said it. Are we going to talk about how sad you’ll be when we’re not living together anymore? Because, Sirius, we don’t live together now, and you seem to be doing just fine.”

“How about you?” Sirius asks. “I mean, are you doing alright? Living on Pete’s sofa?”

“Can’t complain. He lets me cook, which is mercy enough. Otherwise it’d be baked beans and spam for every meal.”

“But aren’t you—don’t you—”

 

**4:24**

 

“Don’t I what?”

“Don’t you miss Brighton?” Sirius sighs. “Not just the city. I mean, the city too. But everything. The flat, our bedroom.”

“You want to know if I liked living with you?”

Sirius scrunches his face up. This is not how he wanted the conversation to go. “Yeah? I guess?”

“Well, at least you never had a wank when I was around,” Remus said.

“At least I—” Sirius wants to scream. He nearly does scream. “Remus, why the hell would I wank with you in the room?”

He’s passing a couple of loitering teens as he yells this into the phone, and they sneer at him. Sirius flips them off and starts walking a little faster. It’s not what he means. He _would_ wank with Remus in the room, but only if Remus was wanking too. He has manners.

“It’s your middle name,” Remus says. “Or, at least, it was until Pete made you change your display name. Now it’s, what, your whole name?”

“My title,” Sirius says. “How I sign off on official forms and shit.”

“Very formal. I’m sure you’re widely-regarded for it.”

 

**4:25**

 

They lapse into silence. Sirius has never found silences awkward where Remus is concerned. He supposes that’s a sign of true friendship—that you’re comfortable around someone when by all rights you should be wary of that space in between, wondering what it means for where you’re going next. It’s equal parts reassuring and worrying. Because it’s a friendship thing. What if it’s not a relationship thing?

Remus breaks it, saying, “Anyway, yes, I miss it. The only thing that would’ve made that house better is if Pete lived with us too.”

“But it wasn’t—bad—sharing a room with me?”

“The worst,” Remus says, but he’s laughing again. “The absolute pits. Sirius, stop worrying.”

Sirius rolls his shoulders back. He hadn’t been tense at all—that’s a friendship thing too.

 

**4:26**

 

“Give me a moment, I need to let James and Lily know I’m here.”

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**WANKER:** Made it

 **WANKER:** Im at the station

 **jamez:** Ok hang tight well only be a minute

 

“I’m still jealous, you know,” Remus says. “That you’re meeting them before me. I can’t help it. This was supposed to be our morning.”

“We’d have plenty of mornings if you came back to Brighton.”

Which is pretty much the worst possible thing Sirius could’ve said.

 

**4:27**

 

“You want me to come back to Brighton?”

“That’s not—”

“After I said to you—after I confided in you that I’m thinking of going back to uni, this is what you have to say to me? I knew you were selfish, Sirius, but I didn’t think—”

“If you could let me finish,” Sirius says, far too loudly. He wonders if those teenagers are still around. “I didn’t mean like that. You could apply to Sussex.”

“I could apply to Sussex,” Remus echoes. “Can you even hear yourself? Even if I make it in there, it’d only be for mid-year entry. I don’t know if you remember just how shit all my jobs in Brighton were. I have a steady job now—it may not pay well, but I like it, I like my boss, I have a lot of spare time to daydream. I don’t mind sleeping on Pete’s sofa, for however long it takes.”

“Remus, I’m sorry, I—”

“Yeah, I know you’re sorry, but if we’re going to do this, if we’re going to actually talk about this—”

“No, I mean, James and Lily are coming up ahead, I have to go, can we talk about this after? Or in person?”

“Yeah. Whenever.”

Remus hangs up on Sirius before he has a chance to say anything else.

 

**4:28**

 

James is waving both arms in the air and a second later they’re around Sirius’ shoulders, James’ head slumped on his chest. “What’re you staring at your phone for?” he asks. “Texting _Reeeeemus_?”

“Hi, Sirius,” Lily says. She has this impeccable talent of acting perfectly sober when Sirius knows for a fact she’s absurdly drunk. “It’s okay if you were texting Remus. Don’t let us interrupt. We’ll just stand here, not going home the most sensible route.”

“About that,” Sirius says. “I can’t spare much time for standing around, walk with me up Highgate?”

Lily’s eyes go very wide, but she stays restrained. “Where we’ve just come from? Yes, of course, that’s a splendid idea. Let’s backtrack. Then we can walk back to the station, and—”

“Lily,” James says, finally pulling himself up and off Sirius. “You’re overthinking this! It’s a beautiful morning. Why don’t you smell the—smell the—”

“Exhaust fumes?” Sirius suggests.

“Exhaust fumes,” Lily agrees. “Yeah. Sorry, Sirius. It is good to see you. Are you still panicking about Remus?”

 

**4:29**

 

“I’m not so sure about that,” Sirius says. “I mean—I don’t need to say anything to him, do I? I can just go there and we can. Hang out. Watch the sunrise, like we said we would.”

Lily gives him a long, slow, pitying look. “Remus asked you to watch the sunrise with him?”

“Why else would I be walking to Parliament Hill at four in the morning?”

“From _Parliament Hill_? Oh my god, this is so sweet, I need to eat something bitter to balance it out.”

“Bitter doesn’t balance sweet,” James says. “Savoury balances sweet.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lily says, tipsily authoritative. She turns to Sirius and pokes a finger into his shoulder. “And you. Why are you being a wuss about this, now?”

“We—”

— _argued_ , Sirius wants to say, but then he’d have to tell James and Lily what they’d argued about, and he doesn’t want to have to explain that Remus is thinking of going back to uni when Sirius is the only one he’s told. If he did say they’d been arguing… Lily might be content to let it slide, but James doesn’t brook any arguments within the Marauders; that time Peter had ignored the rest of them for two months after they’d moved in together in Brighton had been hellish. James had called Peter three times a day until he caved in and apologised—although he had nothing to apologise for. James is drunk now, and that might play in Sirius’ favour, but he thinks the chances of getting away with it are slim. Then maybe this will be the one reckless thing he does this morning:

“—we just had a bit of a disagreement over something, that’s all. Maybe we’ll talk about that, in person, and I won’t have to tell him that I—you know.”

 

**4:30**

 

“If you can’t even tell us,” Lily says, “how are you going to tell him?”

 

**4:31**

 

They walk on in silence, Sirius and Lily supporting James between them. It’s still dark out—no hint of sunrise yet—but there are enough late-night shops open now, and street lights, more passing cars, that Sirius’ way is clearer, whether that’s a physical truth or something more cerebral. He tosses up actually telling them—not about his feelings, but about Remus and university. He doesn’t. He wouldn’t dare. A secret between the four (or five) of them is one thing; a secret from Remus to Sirius is something that Sirius treasures fiercely. Something he’s been doing for some time, now.

“I don’t know,” he says to Lily.

She shakes her head. “Maybe James is right. You need to stop thinking about it and just tell him, without ceremony.”

“I know,” Sirius says. “I know.”

 

**4:32**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**onthebeatpete.mp3:** helloooo?

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** anyone there?

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** have u forgotten how bored i am

 **loopin:** You know that Sirius is with James and Lily now

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** i know but like

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** j &l were both messaging when they were with each other so lol

 **loopin:** ?? Did I miss that

 **loopin:** Am I going mad (again)?

 

**4:33**

 

There had been fights before. Sirius doesn’t think there’s ever been a friendship group that’s managed to sustain itself without fights, that process of poking at a fray until it’s a gaping hole, arguing over which needle and thread to use to sew it back up, and finally handing it around to make repairs.

The worst were always between Sirius and James. They would shout and shout and, when they were younger, throw a few punches, and by the next day it’d be fine, like a thunderstorm passing overnight and leaving a wet pavement as its only trace in the morning, the water already drying off under a bright sun. But, until the Brighton incident, the longest were always between Sirius and Remus. Maybe Sirius was the kind of person who attracted contention by his very nature, or maybe whatever it was between him and Remus ran so deep that any disturbance shook it to its foundations. Or maybe that was wishful thinking.

The longest—the worst—was a culmination of little incidents, Sirius and his ignorant assumptions that everyone was just about as well off as he was, and his failure to be anything approaching tactful about that. It had exploded in front of another boy from school, a childhood friend of Lily’s who’d been an unrepentant turd to Sirius and his friends since the moment they’d first crossed paths. Sirius had made some wisecrack, Remus had reacted as he had every right to, and the other boy had heard, and told everyone at school how poor Remus was. It was just about the worst insult you could get at a school like theirs, and Remus’ scholarship only took him so far, and it was Sirius’ fault that everyone knew.

It had been another month in its entirety until they spoke again. How long would it take for Sirius to recover from this one?

 

**4:34**

 

“Pete’s wondering why no-one’s talking to him.”

James is managing to walk on his own now, although there’s no indication of the alcohol wearing off, and he’s scrolling back through the group chat. Sirius is still not looking at his phone.

“Oh, wait, it gets good here! Pete let slip that he knew Lily and I were both messaging at the same time, Remus asked why Pete knows that since all he’s seen is Lily messaging from my phone in the group chat, and Pete’s trying to save his arse.”

“What did he say?” Lily asks.

James elbows her. “Check your phone. Wait—you’re not in the group chat, are you? We should add you to the group chat.”

“Not a good idea,” Lily says, at the same time as Sirius says, “Absolutely not!”

“Okay, okay!” James laughs. “Pete said he’s in a group chat with the two of us. Remus clearly isn’t buying it; he’s asked Pete if we’re having a threesome.”

Faster than Sirius can blink, Lily’s wrestling James’ phone from him. “Give me that! I swear to god, if Peter says anything like that—”

 

**4:35**

 

There had been secrets before, too.

It was Sirius whom Remus had told first when he thought something wasn’t right, when he’d booked an appointment, when he went on meds. It was a late night phone call—maybe it had even been four in the morning—and Sirius still remembers exactly what Remus had said.

“I’m dropping out.”

 

**4:36**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**jamez:** Peter!!!!!!!

 **jamez:** Peter Pettigrew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jamez:** FYI I’ve never even had a threesome and to insinuate such a thing is peak rudeness

 **loopin:** I was only asking

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** gusfdhgfhd

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** srry peter cant come to the phgne right now hes in fucking tears

 **jamez:** Keep laughing just don’t slander me anymore

 **loopin:** This is Lily right?

 **jamez:** Yeah

 **loopin:** It’s alright I know you can do better than both of them

 **jamez:** This is james and I’m hurt remus !!!!

 

**4:37**

 

“You’re dropping out?” Sirius had asked. “From uni?”

“Let me rephrase,” Remus had said. “I’m on a bus from Cambridge back to London, and from there I’m getting a train home. I’ll be in Cardiff for—um, indefinitely. Don’t do anything impulsive. I mean it, Sirius. Don’t try to come visit. If the others ask why I’m not responding to the group chat, or whatever, tell them I’m safe, yeah?”

“Are you safe?”

“If I say I don’t know, will you promise not to tell anyone?”

 

**4:38**

 

“Alright,” Lily says, “I’ve calmed down. I’m calm. Back to the issue at hand.”

“What issue?” James is still scrolling his phone.

“The issue of Sirius telling Remus how he feels. I’ve decided he has to tell us first.” Lily rounds on Sirius as James lags behind them. “Tell me that you like him.”

“I do like him,” Sirius says.

“Tell me properly.”

Sirius clears his throat. “Uh—I like Remus?”

“Are you asking me a question or are you telling me?”

“I like Remus,” Sirius says.

“Great,” James says. “When’s the wedding? Can I be your best man?”

“Holy shit,” Sirius says, and in this moment, he realises it’s truer and deeper than he’d ever acknowledged it, even in the privacy of his own head, so he says, “I love him.”

 

**4:39**

 

It’s very quiet on Highgate Road for a handful of seconds that feel excruciatingly like a lifetime.

“I love him,” Sirius says again. This time, louder: “I love Remus Lupin.”

“You love him!” James claps an arm around Sirius’ shoulder. “Proud of you, mate. You’re in love! Fuck, that’s incredible. I love love.”

“You’re so drunk,” Sirius says, laughing along with him.

“No need to thank me for getting you out of your shell,” Lily says.

James lets go of Sirius and Sirius drifts ahead; there’s a bit of a breeze and he might be getting carried away but it does feel like a transformative experience, or prosaically at least, a new beginning. He shouts it.

“I love Remus Lupin! I’m in love with him!”

And he shouts it again, because there are so few people out to hear but each one of them is witness to this revelation. Whoever he is, the man yelling in the middle of the pavement, he’s in love with Remus Lupin. Sirius would tell the whole world, if he could, that Remus Lupin is loved, the passive voice for the masses and active for Remus himself.

 _I love him_ , Sirius thinks, and imagines replacing that “him” with a “you.”

 

**4:40**

 

“I—”

“Well, this has been wonderful,” Lily says, “but this is our turn off, Sirius. You know, I really don’t regret taking the long route after all.”

“Neither do I,” James proclaims proudly.

“You never had misgivings in the first place.”

“Thank you, both,” Sirius says. “For the company, for the advice, for—I don’t know. I think I needed this.”

“Not much longer now,” James says. “We’ll be keeping you in our thoughts. Remember to update the group chat on how it goes! Take a couple selfie! Live! Be free! Be—”

The traffic light at their crossing changes colour, and Lily yanks James away by the wrist. “Just do your best! Bye Sirius!”

 

**4:41**

 

The corner they leave him standing on has a Turkish shop that’s open all night, fruit stands still out the front and glowing like a jewel box, backlit by the shop’s fluorescent tubes. Sirius is doing well for time and he’s on a high, so he pauses to get a bag of crisps. And if the guy behind the counter heard Sirius proclaiming his love for all of Highgate Road to hear, then he kindly doesn’t say anything about it, except ask if Sirius has had a good night.

“Yeah,” Sirius says. “The best.”

“Still going?”

“Only getting started.”

 

**4:42**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**jamez:** Well weave parted ways now

 **jamez:** *we’ve

 **jamez:** Its homeward bound for James and lily young and in love

 **jamez:** Why didn’t you capitalise my name?

 **jamez:** Autocorrect???

 **loopin:** Is Sirius safe? He’s not answering his phone

 **jamez:** Yeah he’s fine

 **jamez:** Better than fine in fact

 **jamez:** Well

 **jamez:** U will see

 **loopin:** Thanks, I think

 

**4:43**

 

Halfway into his first crisp, Sirius’ phone starts ringing. It’s Remus. Sirius feels like shit instantly because he’s the one who said something stupid and he’s the one who’s been shutting Remus out, but Remus is the one calling him, to—apologise? Sirius can only hope it’s to give _him_ the opportunity to do just that.

Never one to fall prey to expectations, Remus opens with, “Why has Pete been talking to James and Lily without me? Are you in on this too?”

“Pete, uh, has a group chat with James and Lily… ?”

“Give over, Sirius, I know you were talking about me.” Remus pauses. “Are you eating?”

Sirius finishes his mouthful before answering. “Early breakfast. And yeah, alright, we were talking about you. But we weren’t talking about your thing—with uni—I promise!”

“Then what were you talking about?”

Remus doesn’t sound angry. He sounds disappointed, and that’s worse in every possible way.

“Would you believe me if I told you it was a secret?” Sirius tries.

“My birthday was months ago,” Remus says. “Next excuse, please.”

“Some things are easier to say over text,” Sirius says. “Some are easy enough to say over the phone. And some things need to be said in person. Will you let me say this in person? I’ll only be another few minutes—a quarter of an hour, perhaps.”

“I’ll be waiting; we have the sunrise to see, after all.”

 

**4:44**

 

“Sorry,” Sirius says. “That’s all I can say, for now.”

It’s a bit of a contrast to shouting it in the streets, but “sorry” has always been hard for Sirius. With James, he’d never needed to say sorry—somehow, it had always been the both of them at fault. With Remus, it was only ever one of them at the time, and Remus knew much better than Sirius did how to apologise when he had to. On reflection, maybe that was why it always took so long to resolve those disputes. That doesn’t matter now, though. Sirius has apologised for this, and the rest—the rest, he’ll say in person.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Remus says. “As I always do.”

 

**4:45**

 

When they’d argued for a month, they were only sixteen but it had seemed like the biggest deal in the world, a rift of epic proportions. Which it was, compared to everything that had come before it. But nothing this strong is ever irreparable, and this was no exception. Sirius had apologised, then. It had taken him a month but he’d done it and he’d felt good about it afterwards, and then promptly forgotten that feeling. Because the next day he and Remus had been so tight again that they’d snuck out with their fake IDs to get vodka and mixers, and they’d got drunk without James and Peter.

It had been an offence punishable with the cold shoulder, but Sirius had felt so good about it that he couldn’t see what good apologising would have done him. And in the end the cold shoulder only lasted a few days, so it didn’t really matter, did it?

 

**4:46**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**loopin:** Ok. Have cleared up the issue of your private group chat and not-threesome

 **loopin:** Thank you all for your forbearance and honesty

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** always a pleasure

 **loopin:** Except you Sirius

 **WANKER:** Hey

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** oh now he speaks

 **WANKER:** Cant believe i missed a threesome

 **loopin:** You see? You see what I mean?

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** i See

 **loopin:** I don’t know why we put up with you

 **loopin:** Sirius that is

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** yeah dw i got u

 **WANKER:** I guess ill just stop responding again

 **jamez:** Wait how do u know about the private group chat that ur not in

 **jamez:** I mean

 **jamez:** Shit

 

**4:47**

 

It’s quieter closer to the Heath, and Sirius has only his thoughts to keep him company—in which case, he’d rather be alone.

 

**4:48**

 

[ Remus Lupin ]

**Remus:** Hey

 **Remus:** Sirius

 **Sirius:** Not responding! :P

 

Highgate Road comes to an end and turns into parkland, a pedestrian road up ahead that’s signposted and pointing clearing the direction of Parliament Hill. The park is big and it’ll be another few minutes before Sirius gets to the top of the hill, but it’s enough time for him to finish his crisps and dump the bag in the nearest bin, enough time to rehearse what he’s going to say, running through it in his head again and again. Although there’s no-one about and he could yell again if he wanted to, his zeal has faded back into nerves; and if he’s too loud, his voice could make it all the way to Remus. That would be one way to confess it, sound carried through dead air, an accidental missive to the intended recipient. It wouldn’t be face-to-face, though, which is how Sirius wants it.

 

**4:49**

 

But it’s not really dead air, is it? There’s the brush of Sirius’ soles against the path and the first few birds starting to sing, and although the company earlier had been nice, and the company soon would be nicer, Sirius thinks that maybe it’s not so bad to be alone in a place like this.

 

**4:50**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**onthebeatpete.mp3:** good news lads

 **onthebeatpete.mp3:** fletcher is here early so i can clock out

 **offbeat pete:** it’s time to sleep at last

 **loopin:** Just so you know, I’m not at the flat

 **offbeat pete:** Where the hell is Sirius meeting you then

 **loopin:** Um

 **loopin:** Hampstead Heath

 **offbeat pete:** You what

 **jamez:** I love it when ur the last one to know these things

 **offbeat pete:** Not funny what is going on

 

**4:51**

 

 **WANKER:** Im on the heath is whats going on

 **loopin:** Are you really here already

 **WANKER:** Not quite where you are

 **WANKER:** Nearly

 **loopin:** I can’t bear the wait

 

[ HELP ME ]

**James:** Did you hear that Sirius!

 **James:** He can’t bear the wait!

 **Lily:** You know I think you might be in with a chance

 **Peter:** Is that sarcasm

 **Lily:** Duh

 **Lily:** You’d have to be an idiot to miss much Remus fancies Sirius

 **Lily:** *how much

 **James:** So Sirius

 **James:** LOL

 **Peter:** Hahaha

 **Sirius:** Wait

 **Sirius:** W h a t

 

**4:52**

 

The clearing from the road into the heath cedes its space to a copse of trees up ahead. Is it Sirius’ imagination, or is the sky one shade brighter than before? The time on his phone only reads 4:52. Remus couldn’t have been wrong about the sunrise time, could he? Could the weatherman have been wrong? Was it a weatherman who calculated the sunrise and sunset, or some other kind of scientist? Why was it always on weather sites if it wasn’t really the weather?

Sirius closes his eyes—the path is a straight line and there’s no-one for him to run into—and counts to thirty. When he’s done, he looks up again, and—

 

**4:53**

 

—the sky is the same colour as before. It must have been a trick of the light.

 

**4:54**

 

They’d kissed, apparently, in Brighton. Sirius thinks about that, thinks about how he knows exactly nothing about it except that it had happened and it clearly hadn’t meant enough for it to happen again. They were drinking. James was in the room, probably Lily too. Who had initiated it? It must have been Sirius—because Remus doesn’t—but Lily had mentioned that Remus fancies Sirius—so maybe Remus does… ? But equally, Lily could’ve been making that up, giving Sirius false hope based on what she wants to happen, what James clearly wants to happen too, and Peter—well, who knows what Peter wants. He probably wants Remus to get his own place and stop living on his floor. If Remus did feel the same way, he could move back in with Sirius. They’d only need one bed. But Remus has his job in London and Sirius has his degree in Brighton and Remus has his health and Sirius has his family and what if they’re both too messy to ever work out? If Sirius tells Remus, and Remus doesn’t feel the same way, what will become of their friendship? Will it be just as easy to sustain over text and the occasional call, or will that distance and this awkwardness pull it apart?

 

**4:55**

 

[ HELP ME ]

**Sirius:** I’m here

 **Lily:** Go Sirius go!

 **James:** GET THE BOY!!!!!!!!

 **Peter:** Don’t fuck up lol

 **Lily:** Take some photos of the sunrise for us :)

 

**4:56**

 

This must be it—the time, not the place; Sirius knows the place, because he knows this place well, knows these streets from lonely nights wandering and nights not so lonely, hands never quite held.

The sun is knocking against the horizon, a little more light than just the street lamps to guide his way, or maybe that’s because he’s emerged from the trees lining his path at last. The air is fresh with a breeze and Sirius stands by the foot of the hill and leans one hand on a tree to ease his shoes off, slipping one finger at the heel of each so he doesn’t lose them. He spreads his toes in the dewy grass and luxuriates, for a while, and then he runs, full tilt up the hill and the wind blowing his hair out of its loose ponytail, into his eyes, but not obscuring his vision too much; he can see Remus standing at the top of the hill, stood tall like a beacon to the rest of the city and a halo of light around his hair, calling to anyone who can see: _This is where it is. This is the time, this is the place_.

“Sirius.”

 

**4:57**

 

“Morning,” Sirius says, and if his voice sounds breathless then it’s because he _is_ breathless, bent double and hands on his knees. Not that it matters—even when he’s standing tall, he’s looking up at Remus.

“You made it with five minutes to spare,” Remus says. His smile quirks sarcastic. “Well done you.”

Sirius straightens his back out, snorting. “Hey, at least I came. Not many people would walk an hour at four in the morning.”

“For me, or in general?”

“For you, of course.”

And there it is. All this fretting—Sirius doesn’t know if he could’ve said it more plainly. For you, of course, as with everything, as it’s always been. Remus is giving him a funny look—does he know?—and Sirius has to hold himself together, keep his lips pressed tight and giving nothing away.

“I suppose you were worried,” Remus says. “About me.”

“You know I was,” Sirius says. “And—I’m sorry for what I said. The offer’s still open if you want to come back with us, but I’d never force you.”

Remus hums. “I know. I’m still thinking about it. No-one else should have to deal with my shit anymore.”

“Except me at four in the morning.”

“You’ve always been the exception,” Remus says, and he reaches out and takes Sirius’ hands in his. “So, what was it that you had to say in person?”

 

**4:58**

 

[ MARAUDERS ]

**jamez:** Everyone you’ll be pleased to know we made it home safely

 **jamez:** This is Lily by the way

 **jamez:** James is passed out but he’s okay

 **offbeat pete:** Thank god I was genuinely worried about him for a moment

 **jamez:** But first

 **offbeat pete:** Kidding I hope you both wake up with hangovers

 **jamez:** I need to check in

 **jamez:** (Weren’t you meant to be sleeping, Peter?)

 **jamez:** Sirius, are you okay?

 **offbeat pete:** Now that’s someone I’m worried about haha

 **offbeat pete:** (I’m commuting)

 **jamez:** Sirius? Come in Sirius

 **offbeat pete:** But I bet he’s just making out w Remus or something

 **jamez:** … I’ll accept that

 

**4:59**

 

“It’s something—” Sirius checks Remus’ wristwatch, “—something I need to tell you. Or ask you. No—tell you.”

“I know things haven’t been easy lately—” Remus begins.

“It’s not about that.” Sirius takes a breath to steady himself. The heat of the day is setting in, the sun creeping closer to risen. He says, “You don’t need to do anything with this information, only hear me out to the end of the sentence. I’m—I—I care about you.”

It’s something so simple, but something he’s never said to anyone. To the people he’d slept with, it was _more, faster_ , to friends it was _thanks mate, you’re the best_ , and to family it was perseverance, a kind word here and there, a _sorry_ but only if it was absolutely necessary. And, this time Sirius doesn’t need to shout it out, because only one person needs to hear:

“I love you, Remus. I’d do anything for you. And I’m done being a coward about it, so—I’m yours, if you’ll have me.”

The silence that lies between his last words and Remus’ next is as excruciating as it is empty, but reassuring too, in the birdsong, the whispering grass and fluttering leaves, the background noise that tells Sirius that if he’s misjudged, if Remus doesn’t and never will care for him the same way, then the world won’t end. He’s said it. That’s enough.

Somewhere in that silence, Remus has teared up, just a bit. He wipes the back of his hand across his eyes and says, “Only took you ten bloody years.”

At first Sirius isn’t sure he’s hearing right. “You—”

“I’d do anything for you, too,” Remus says. “And I’m yours, since you’ve already, um, indicated that you’ll have me, even as I am.”

It’s not as grand as Sirius’ haste, but it means the world. It can’t be easy for Remus to say, either. Sirius has no excuse, no “funny business upstairs,” as Remus would put it, and after ten years, there are certain sanctities to a friendship that are hard to break. There’s the infallibility of the quartet, the joining of two dots in a line perpendicular to the square, a shift that Sirius knows will have to take place. But if he stops to think about it, if he thinks beyond this here and now, and the way Remus’ dry, cold hands feel in his, then it’ll only be his doubts that have got in the way.

This has been mutual for some time now.

 

**5:00**

 

And Sirius closes his eyes, tilts his chin upwards, catching Remus’ mouth in a kiss. This one, they’ll both remember. Remus presses firmly against him, one arm wrapping around his back and drawing them closer still, his eyelids fluttering against Sirius’ brow, and—

“You’d better not be looking at your watch over my shoulder,” Sirius says.

Remus’ lips move against his as he says, “It’s only a minute until sunrise. We don’t want to miss it.”

“I didn’t come here to watch the sunrise,” Sirius says.

“I know,” Remus says. “But you’ll watch it with me anyway.”

“You’re lucky I—” Sirius starts. He doesn’t finish the phrase. He’s said it once already; he doesn’t want it to wear thin too soon. “Of course I will.”

Sirius has always been a rebel, by design or by nature. He kisses Remus again, and he lets it last. The sun is almost up now, predicted like clockwork. It’s managing to make its presence feel gentle and sudden, like drawing off a blanket at the end of a long sleep and painting everything in a new colour for the new day. Yes, Sirius thinks, this is the start of something, and it’s worth every second of devotion he can offer.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment!


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